How to Assert Yourself

An Assertive Person versus a Non-Assertive Person

People who are assertive tend to be aware of their emotions and communicate these in an honest and straightforward manner. Assertive people are confident in their abilities and are able to make and meet goals and challenges through respect and perseverance. If you know people who are particularly assertive, you may have noticed their body language, which involves a clear and strong voice, eye contact and a steady self-assurance.

Many of us have moments where we are not assertive and perhaps feel intimidated or nervous to communicate our wants and needs. A non-assertive person may feel helpless and may find that others are in the leading role and making all of the choices. A non-assertive person may also feel guilt at this lack of confidence and this can lead to depression over time, as well as making depression more difficult to handle. Think about those who have non-assertive body language and you may notice that they tend to avoid eye contact, fidget, and speak in jumbled, confusing tones.

Learning to Say No

It can be difficult to say 'no,' especially when the desire to please someone is strong and you wish to avoid confrontation. People who are depressed can feel that their needs are secondary to everyone else's needs and they may struggle to decline a request. By not saying 'no' when you mean it, however, you are left dealing with the unfavourable consequences and perhaps even guilt for not expressing yourself as you intended. It is not an easy task to say 'no' but you may wish to:

• Be direct but try to state 'no' firmly and without apology
• Consider clearly explaining the reasons for your refusal
• Try to think about and suggest alternative ways of dealing with the request

Self Confidence and Positive Thinking

How you view yourself is an important part of strong self-confidence. Oftentimes, people who are depressed feel poorly about themselves and in fact, have a very distorted view of their capabilities. You may feel fear or apprehension in stating your needs and may feel you are not deserving of wonderful things or good enough for them. Try to think about a time when you did feel confident. What aspects of yourself did you like? Focus on the positive things in yourself and try to remember what made those qualities so clear to you then.

Manage Anger

Being assertive does not mean that to obtain your needs, you have a free pass to be rude, condescending or otherwise cruel to another person. In fact, the reactions you may get to such behaviour can leave you feeling alone and depressed, as people will often withdraw from an angry person. Be firm when expressing your desires but do so with respect for others-people are more likely to listen to what you say if you communicate without aggressiveness and anger. If you feel yourself becoming angry:

• Take a few deep breaths
• Consider taking a few minutes away from the situation
• Try to think rationally and consider how best to communicate your anger

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Set Personal Goals

Sometimes setting standards too high can set you up for immediate failure. You can assert your short and long term goals and desires, but you might want to ask yourself: where do my standards for success and achievement come from and what do they really mean? Try to be realistic and set small goals that are achievable within a reasonable time frame. You can enjoy the success of meeting them and if you do find you miss a deadline, know that you are only human and resolve to meet your next goal. It can feel devastating when things don't go as planned, but by offering yourself acceptance and forgiveness, you can help to prevent feelings of self-despair and sadness.

Assert Yourself With Toxic People

When you are depressed, you might be quick to judge that all problems in career and personal relationships are your fault. While you should take the time to be aware of any patterns of behaviour you may be exhibiting that negatively affect relationships, don't be too quick to accept all of the responsibility.

Look at your relationships logically and carefully and you might discover that there are 'toxic' people who are causing you distress. These people may be rude, difficult or angry on a consistent basis and can have a damaging effect on your life. You will need to evaluate whether to keep these people in your life and if unavoidable, consider how you can deal with the feelings of hurt and anxiety that they trigger. Ultimately, you may have to be assertive and remove certain toxic people from your life, however difficult the act itself may be.

Your emotional and mental health is important and part of handling depression is to embrace those people who leave you feeling positive about yourself and eliminate or avoid those who push you deeper into depression.

Personal Care

Being assertive with yourself is also important in that you are able to acknowledge when you are exhausted or fatigued. If you need support, be assertive and ask for help. It's okay to admit that you are overwhelmed and by seeking help and looking after yourself, you can help to prevent episodes of depression as well as handle depression when it does occur.